I have discovered the name of my true nemesis in life, and it is:
the chocolate cookie.
This vile, dreaded fiend has plagued me for most of my natural life (which does beg the question of how long of an unnatural life I've lived, but that's another rant, I'm sure), and I in my utterly human weakness have rarely been able to come out of battle against the chocolate cookie with my pride intact. I am, sadly, a cookie monster. Just not the blue furry one with a puppeteer's hand shoved up his arse.
Cookies, especially chocolate ones, are my Achilles Heel. They turn me into a compulsive muncher, a voracious demon-beast who must gorge himself on all the hapless little cookie-villagers, tossing one after the other into my gaping and insaciable maw. Case in point: after going months without any contact with cookies, yesterday I bought myself a 700g pack of cookies as a treat. This means I had roughly 50-something cookies whispering horrid temptations into my ears all afternoon. Two hours later, I only had to contend with about 20 cookies whispering horrid temptations into my ears. A typical battle of the wills tends to go like this:
Chocolate cookie: "Go ahead...eat me and all of my 24 friends. You know you want to."
Me: "Forsooth, I must not permit this collapse of conscience to prevail!"
Chocolate cookie: "But you love chocolate! Don't you love me?"
Me: "Verily, I doth protest my love to you, ere it brings me down to hate and loathing of my very self!"
Chocolate cookie: "Why are you ranting in such a horrid Shakespearean-Tolkienesque prose?"
Me: [shrug] "Dramatic emphasis?"
Chocolate cookie: "Your fancy words will be of no use."
Me: "Never! I shall triumph this time!"
Chocolate cookie: "Did I mention I have cream in my centre?"
Me: ^-^ "Ooooh, yummy! Munchmunchmunchmunchmunch!!"
Villany, thy name is chocolate cookie.
posted by Phillip at 6:59 AM
